When did dance appear in your life at first time?

-At the age of 6. I didn’t like it. I was really suffering during classes, I didn’t want to dance at all. When I was 8, I gave promise myself: I will learn to dance so good that when I will leave it, nobody could complain. I promised myself that I would be special in this art to prove everybody once for all.

-Was the classical choreography the first step?

- Yes, of course. All starts from classic. I remember that my teacher of classical choreography was very hard-edged.

- You didn’t like strict system of teaching or there were some other reasons?

- Strictness was ok for me. I didn’t like white tight-fitting swimming suit that was very awkward, these ballerines, tight laced girls – I didn’t like that climate. Our swimming coach used to shout a lot, pushed us – despite it, we really adored him. But here was kind of distance; everything was focused on dead result. So, dance happened early in my life, but that was constant struggle. That was bad, non-interesting struggle, just a bargain with myself.  I remember when I was criticized severely and said that time: “You will never dance. Never!” That stuck in my mind, sometimes it even made attacks of lack of self-confidence.

-In fact, dance is like living life. So, you live all life stages during 3-4 minutes, while music is goes on, and there is struggle, love, personal evolution in it. Is it like that?

-Yes, dance has involved into my life to such level that I can’t imagine my life without it. I don’t exist without it. I feel psychologically and physically bad, when I don’t dance.  Sometimes while  living life of free creator without labor book and other conventions I want to cut myself some slack, to retire, but I can’t manage it, as I won’t feel good, if I do it. So, when dance improvisation is going on, It is not something particular – love, fear or something else – all my 29 years are placed in these 3-4 minutes.

-How can you describe Your Internal Dance?

-It is language of deaf-mute. I  defined it accidentally, unconsciously, during my talk with Sergey Sarahanov. Then I forgot about that. But suddenly something started happening in my life. I decided to erase my old habits, I went to study abroad so that to be among professionals and to get rid of most of the things I had worked out in myself before. There was a moment when I felt that I started making gestures that hadn’t been usual for me before. Absolutely new gestures appeared.  Then later on I wanted to learn deaf mute language to give shape for my new movements. I went to Pavlovsk to the special school. Its director was against my idea, she didn’t let me in. The climate there was so interesting: at first there was silence, then all started laughing. They all have their stories – it is also dance! Finally, I fixed regarding entering the courses. Two years passed. I was searching through the Internet video about deaf people and I came across with battle of poets, where one woman “was reading” by gestures beautiful poem. Despite the fact that it was without any words, I understood everything and that was amazing. That was very similar to things I do and feel. Suddenly I realized that I don’t need to learn special language, I am living with it with all my being. I would like to work with it with people. I think that hard of hearing person can tell much more than I know.

-So, in your case all happened through “zeroing out”. You “zeroed out” and something new happened in your life…

-Yes, it did. And there was exhaustible marathon of 31 hours of dance non-stop. Then travelling. I deprived myself from ambitions to dance. I decided to do it because I wanted to stop wishing to dance for somebody or something, to be accepted by somebody or excused. Otherwise, it was deceit. Well, ambitions didn’t leave me completely, but sometimes I don’t care – in a good sense.

- Do you feel any conflict with external world? If yes, how do you react?

- I do. I react very sharp. Sometimes I feel strong anger. It is difficult to talk about. In recent times I have been feeling big dependence on people. Well, banal situation: I have troupe that should be supported. I waited very long, when some sponsor would appear, would finance our activity, but then I understood that it could never happen. I left school “Bye-Bye Ballet”  in order to hold my troupe by my own classes and without any dependence on anyone. That moment people started coming to me. I had dual feelings. On one hand, I needed that, on the other hand, it became too difficult and impossible. I was working on it.

-What is your mission in your activity?

- I feel great responsibility towards all people that created technique, esthetics, filling-up of Contemporary dance. I know very well its history, how it developed and what creators wanted. And I am scared to see all this “contemp” existing nowadays. I am afraid that this heritage will become a thing of the past.


-So, are you standing for purity of style?

-Not so much for purity as heritage. I want these people to live and put their hearts into dance not in vain. I learnt from those, who had learnt from them. When I dance, it is not only for me; for me it is responsibility, I don’t have right to lose heart. Sometimes it seems to me that I am the only one, who had access to this knowledge. So I am bringing Dance. I understand its reason, I see where it is moving. I don’t want to let the commercial, fast money to occupy everything in dance. So I will go on.

-Do different TV shows (on TNT, the first channel) help or harm?

-It is very difficult question. From one side, more people are getting to know about Contemporary style. From other side, they shape certain, mostly contorted understanding of it. I am not promoting “westernism”, but England was very necessary in my life. Here is nobody, whom I could learn from. My life is like this: if you want a good lesson, teach it yourself. England has very big choice and there is audience that is used to it more or less. Here many things are not understood by our audience. I love choreographers that don’t limit themselves. For example, for me the personality of Pina Bausch was much more interesting that her theatre pieces, although I like them. I am interested, why all these genius people have chosen this way and it’s interesting how they talk about their business. When people start affecting other people’s lives through their business, when they start teaching, they change lives – this is valuable and interesting for me. I haven’t seen modern choreographers in Russia that have enough power to change the world.

-Does it mean that changing person is one of the purposes of dance? Or is there something else also?

-Dance changes space, where it is performed, via its energy. The same thing with people, whom it is interacting with: space inside of them changes. There are few people in Russian that move and realize the power of dance affecting the inner world of the human.  It is quivering gif – to trigger impulse of movement in other person. Many people don’t use it correctly and they execute real violence.

Despite this situation in Russia, what positive and good things can you emphasize in Russia and Peter?

-Here is opportunity to create something your own. I mean, not to get into something that already exists, but to set trend. It is really good. On one hand, I am searching for support. But on the other hand, I understand that if I get this support, I will be dependent on it. And now I don’t have any censorship, regime – it makes me feel easier. When I understood that I have enough power to be myself, I felt good being in Peter, although I used to escape from this city as promptly as possible. I have my area, troupe. I started feeling charm of this city. And this all is connected with my inner feelings. All beautiful people are very difficult. The same thing with Peter – it is very beautiful and difficult. You have to conquer it and not wait anything to get in return, you should belong to the city. Here is nothing extra that can come your way for free. Also here are many genius people sitting in their closets and workrooms. This city is saturated with silent, not flashy creativity.

-Who do you take into your troupe? Are there any criteria?

-These people have been being with me for a very long time. I taught them to connect life with dancing.  My troupe consists of people that love doing what they do and they will continue working. They should be like me in terms of approach and vision of movements in dance – it’s important for me. I want to live with them, to get old with them, I want to stay with them till the end. In fact, sometimes they are my intensive to get up in the morning and come here; I just can’t let them down, as I really need them. At the same time, I can’t say we are friends – anyway, we have kind of distance. For me it’s also important, when they are motivated. I won’t shout, phone or listen to excuses. If you left one day, then I will scratch you out forever – this is my categoricity that is closely interwined with trust. If someone wants to get into my troupe, at first this person should attend my classes with troupe, then, if I notice that it’s very important for him/her, there is a chance to get into my troupe. So, this door is open for all people of all levels. Everything depends on the extent of desire.

-What is your personal goal?

- I am very “splitted”, I want to recollect myself. I know, I can reason well, recommend something – it’s like I pass information through channel, - but I absolutely don’t apply it towards myself. I am always unconfident. Also, I want to learn to love. Yes, probably, it is the most important thing for me – to learn to love.

- What is love?

-Love is… Definitely, it is not requirement or obligation. I have some kind of vision of love that I feel via religion, age old wisdom. Everything I tell will not be the thing that it is in fact. I think that any creator has inborn lack of love. I can reason, quote Bible, but I don’t know definitely. Well, I have daughter and love towards her is always changing. Every time I feel different love and every time it’s more stronger and newer in quality. It is different story with men. It seems to me that love is when you can’t be hurt. I am very vulnerable. So, my mission is to become invulnerable, strong, to learn to confide people, myself and the world.

© gayanat project, 2015